Fancy an online fitness class?
Nah.
The quarantine fatigue hit us hard this week. Monday sees the opening of gyms in our native Scotland (hooray!), so we figured we’d salute everyone out there crushing the online fitness classes.
Or…you know. Not.
Here we present our top tips for offering a truly horrendous class, in one unhelpful blog post.
Teach every single online fitness class in 360p
HD? What HD? Nah! You need to record this on your youngest sibling’s hand-me-down phone with the cracked screen and the Ribena in the camera!
The blurrier the better – ideally your students won’t be able to tell the difference between savasana and you just taking a quick mid-class nap.
Think 1960s Eurovision entry video, uploaded 60 years later on YouTube.
Unsync your audio
Have movements match your audio? Heck no! What a wild proposition.
What you want to be is so unsynced with your movements that your class are caught halfway between a orders for a jumping jack and a push up. We call ‘em jump-up-push-jacks (or WTFs for short).
Remember when you’re working out, it’s important to keep the body guessing – but go one step further and keep your client’s noggins guessing too!
Leave everyone in a waiting room
One of our personal favourites – make sure you use a software that glitches regularly, or comes up with obscure passwords that literally no one can remember.
The goal is to make sure everyone spends the first half of their class in the waiting room!
Think of it as an endurance game – how long can you leave students alone in a digital waiting room before all of them rage quit and go off in pursuit of a coffee?
Only present in half the screen
Simple really – make sure you’re demonstrating workouts in a live streamed set up, (when you can best ignore people’s pleas for you to centre yourself) but only let them see half of you!
Which half?
Doesn’t matter! One foot, 50% of your torso, or your left eyebrow – the choice is yours.
Forget to schedule an online fitness class ahead of time
This one’s a classic – if you really want to frustrate your clients, organise a much-anticipated class, and then completely forget to add it to your own calendar!
Compound your forgetfulness by showing up to teach a class no-one actually knew about. Extra points if these two classes happen back to back.
There’s nothing like being an hour late to the Zumba class you asked people to come to!
Set your entire class to your OWN music
Ah, music! We can’t be the only ones who think the world needs a bit more music that’s really indie, can we?
One of the best ways you can irritate your students is to rock up with your own keyboard, turning their sweat session into a jam session.
And if you really want to test their patience, may we suggest that you make a kazoo remix of popular tunes so they can really feel the beat?!
Permit entry to your online class only when people have signed over their firstborn child
Look, we’re not saying that Rumpelstiltskin would be an amazing PT, but he definitely had the right idea when it came to asking for payment.
To give yourself one of the best stress-headaches out there, make sure you set up the most awkward, frustrating sign up process, requiring people to sign a deed to give you their firstborn child and or family assets before taking your class!
Or, y’know, do that weird ‘Er. So, eh, has everyone paid? No? Oh. Okay. Um. Guess…we’ll just get started, then.’ thing.
Nothing like teaching for free!
The point is…
That all this should make you cold with horror!
Fitness app downloads have rocketed by 67% since March* – so giving a great online class is crucial if you want to reach the two-thirds of people who want to work out remotely.
Digital is here to stay, and if you want to make money, you need an online offering.
Fettle is here to help. Get in touch for your demo now! Fancy saying hi instead? You can mosey over to our Facebook, and Instagram pages, read some more blog posts, or send us your fave meme. We won't judge.
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